10,000 Reasons

The morning we went to the hospital, I stalled. Even though I didn't know for sure that we'd lost the baby, I somehow knew. Maybe it was mother's intuition, or maybe it was just my worst fear.

I wasn't technically sure, so I didn't let on. Tim had already made plans to go running with a friend that morning, and I encouraged him to go. I told him we could go to the hospital "just to get checked out" after he came home.

I took my time showering and getting dressed and I packed Ben's bag slowly. I was biding my time, hanging on to my "maybe" as long as possible. When Tim got home, I had him take a picture of my little tiny baby bump- the first and only "bump picture" I would get to take. I sent a text to a few family members and close friends, telling them I had been bleeding a little and asking them to pray, and we left.

I honestly can't remember what Tim and I talked about on the way to the hospital, if we talked at all. We were both pretty nervous as the reality of where we were heading set in. I think Tim asked me if I felt afraid, and I said, "Yes." He prayed for us, and for the baby.

As we stopped at the light in front of the hospital, this familiar song came on the radio:



As soon as I heard the first few notes, my heart sunk. "No. No. No...." If I hadn't known before, I just knew then.

The first verse says:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

The chorus goes on:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

I sat and stared at the hospital and I knew what God was asking me. I so clearly felt Him say, "Will you bless me in this? Will you worship my holy name, whatever happens? Will you still praise me this evening, even if your heart is filled with grief?"

This question has lingered for the last week and a half. Each time my eyes fill with tears, that gentle voice asks, "Will you praise me in this?" And through my tears, I've had to answer "yes."

Yes, I will praise You, even though my heart is broken. Yes, I will praise You, even though our plans have changed. I will praise You when I don't understand. I will praise you in moments of peace and in moments of grief. I will praise You as I pull the sympathy cards out of the mailbox, as I cancel our sonogram appointment, as I watch my friends' sweet bellies grow, and as I put The Baby Name Book away.

I will trust Your word. I will believe the promises that Your plans are not to harm us, and that Your ways are higher than ours. For 10,000 reasons, I will praise You.