Counted

Sweet Baby Number Two,

Today was your due date.  I sit down to write this, 23 weeks pregnant with your little brother, and it is impossible to imagine how different life would be if we were meeting you today, the way we'd hoped.  We'll have to wait a while longer, and that's okay.

You've been gone six months now, but we think of you often.  As my belly grows, well-meaning strangers smile at Ben and notice my little bump and ask, "Is this your second?"  My heart cringes a little every time.  The question is simple and innocent but the answer seems much more complicated.

In that split second, I grope for a reasonable answer.  Mentioning you always solicits sympathy (which is never my intention) and probably makes people a bit uncomfortable, but my heart still wants to acknowledge you.  As your mother, omitting your existence- even if it was only for a few weeks- feels like an betrayal.  I love you as much as the baby before you and the one coming next, and you are just as much a part of our story and our family.  Maybe I'll eventually figure out how to gracefully answer the question in a way that makes everyone feel comfortable, but six months later, I'm still not there.

Your life, however short, mattered.  You were part of God's plan.  You will always count.  You will always be my second baby- never in my arms, but always in my heart.

Today I will bake an angel food cake and we will celebrate the way God used your brief little life to change ours.  We will thank Him for the blessing of you, and look forward to meeting you one day.

Lots of love,

Mommy