If you've ever suffered a miscarriage, you understand that it is unspeakable. I cannot overstate the physical and emotional pain. The details are traumatic and gruesome. If you've never suffered a miscarriage, there is no way you can really understand, no matter how much I divulge, and I genuinely hope you never have to.
I'm just not ready to talk. Everything is too fresh. I haven't found words adequate for any of it. I don't want to have to pretend like I can think about anything else, either. Though it feels like we've been to hell and back in these last three days, somehow there's still nothing to discuss.
Eventually, I'll probably need to talk through things, but not yet. I need time and space to process the shock, to run through questions, to sort through emotions, to find words, and to come to terms with where and how we will go on from here.
The last few days have proved what an incredible support system we have in our friends and family. Thank you for reaching out to us. We have read and appreciated each message. I'm sorry if we've seemed unresponsive. Thank you for your sensitivity. Thanks to the friends who have left dinner and gifts on our porch. Thanks for the things you've sent. You are so great at loving us.
I've been on the other side of grief many times, and I know what it's like to want to "do something." Right now, you can pray for us. We are thankful for all of you, and we need and appreciate your continued prayers.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Lost.
Sweet Baby,
12 weeks is all we had with you. Today we found out that we've lost you.
We are still in shock. Other than being exhausted, I've felt so good these last few months. Everything seemed to be on track, and just last week we shared our sweet news with the world. Things changed suddenly yesterday and somehow, even when there were still questions, I knew.
Today was long and traumatic for both Daddy and me. After hours of testing and prodding and waiting, a doctor we don't even know came in to tell us you were gone. They couldn't find your heartbeat. You weren't measuring right. Close to half of all pregnancies end this way, and there's nothing we did wrong or could have done differently. Even if I'd carried you to term, you likely wouldn't have survived birth. He started using words like "tissue" and "viable" and I stopped listening. And then he left us to cry and gather our things and head home and re-frame the picture of the family we've been painting for the last twelve weeks.
Now the hard part begins. How do we say "goodbye" when we never really got our "hello?" How do we find closure in something that barely begun?
We miss you already, little one. My mind races with unanswered questions. Why? How? What could I have done differently? God knows I would have done anything. Thousands and thousands of things about you will remain undiscovered- the color of your eyes, the shape of your face, the sound of your laugh. How will I remember a baby I knew so little about? I don't even know your name.
But I will remember. I will remember the joy on Daddy's face when I told him you were coming. I will remember the excitement of our family and friends. I will remember how tired and nauseous (but in a good way) you made me. I will remember the way we hoped and dreamed and planned for you these last few months. I will frame your sonogram, the only picture I have of you. You've been part of our family for twelve weeks, and you always will be. I will remember. You weren't with us for long, but you brought us incredible happiness. There was so much hope packed into those weeks. I'll try not to let the sadness overshadow that.
We believe that God is sovereign, that He gives and takes away. We might never understand why, but it doesn't change the truth. We will meet you someday, though not as soon as we'd hoped. We know that Jesus is holding you now, and as of today, Heaven is just a little sweeter.
Loving and missing you now and always,
Mommy
12 weeks is all we had with you. Today we found out that we've lost you.
We are still in shock. Other than being exhausted, I've felt so good these last few months. Everything seemed to be on track, and just last week we shared our sweet news with the world. Things changed suddenly yesterday and somehow, even when there were still questions, I knew.
Today was long and traumatic for both Daddy and me. After hours of testing and prodding and waiting, a doctor we don't even know came in to tell us you were gone. They couldn't find your heartbeat. You weren't measuring right. Close to half of all pregnancies end this way, and there's nothing we did wrong or could have done differently. Even if I'd carried you to term, you likely wouldn't have survived birth. He started using words like "tissue" and "viable" and I stopped listening. And then he left us to cry and gather our things and head home and re-frame the picture of the family we've been painting for the last twelve weeks.
Now the hard part begins. How do we say "goodbye" when we never really got our "hello?" How do we find closure in something that barely begun?
We miss you already, little one. My mind races with unanswered questions. Why? How? What could I have done differently? God knows I would have done anything. Thousands and thousands of things about you will remain undiscovered- the color of your eyes, the shape of your face, the sound of your laugh. How will I remember a baby I knew so little about? I don't even know your name.
But I will remember. I will remember the joy on Daddy's face when I told him you were coming. I will remember the excitement of our family and friends. I will remember how tired and nauseous (but in a good way) you made me. I will remember the way we hoped and dreamed and planned for you these last few months. I will frame your sonogram, the only picture I have of you. You've been part of our family for twelve weeks, and you always will be. I will remember. You weren't with us for long, but you brought us incredible happiness. There was so much hope packed into those weeks. I'll try not to let the sadness overshadow that.
We believe that God is sovereign, that He gives and takes away. We might never understand why, but it doesn't change the truth. We will meet you someday, though not as soon as we'd hoped. We know that Jesus is holding you now, and as of today, Heaven is just a little sweeter.
Loving and missing you now and always,
Mommy
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
14 Months.
Ben,
You are 14 months old today and you're changing so quickly! You have three primary loves in this life:
1) Driving- We meet daddy out in the driveway every evening when he gets home from work. You love to sit in his lap and "drive" the car. You turn the wheel, press all the buttons, turn on the windshield wipers (which always make you wince and blink), and dance to the radio. Maybe you'll be a race car driver someday?
2) The Garden Hose- Of course, you love when we turn the hose on and you can shoot water all over the place, but you'll play with the hose even when it's turned off. Maybe you'll be a gardener or a pool boy someday? You'll sit out back and swing that thing around for hours. It delights you.
3) The Vacuum- This is not just a love, this is sheer obsession. Every morning when I pull you out of your crib, the first thing you want to do is go look at the vacuum. You just stand and stare at it. Sometimes you jiggle the attachments. Usually you whine for me to turn it on. My floors have never been cleaner. We'll be in the middle of reading a book or playing with your toys and you'll stop and point towards the laundry room and go "Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!" until I pull the vacuum out and we start it up. If the door to the laundry room is closed, you stand and knock on the door until I open it and give you access to that big, loud machine. When family and friends come over, you want them to vacuum with you. I've never seen anything like it. Maybe you'll be a custodian someday?
Today you spoke your very first word. Of course, you're babbling constantly (including ma-ma and da-da and ba-ba), but we haven't been able to say with confidence that you've actually attached meaning to those words. Until today. We were packing up to leave the house and I said, "Ben, let's go see Gramma!" You looked at me and said, "Yama!" You repeated it over and over and over again, even as we were walking up to her house and you were pointing at the door. Predictably, once Gramma opened the door and I gave her the good news, you refused to perform. My feelings aren't hurt. Really. You love your "Yama."
In the last month, you've gone from crawling to running! Nana came up to visit from Houston and decided she wanted to buy you your first pair of Stride Rite shoes. We ended up with these adorable little Ernie shoes:
Ernie's hair is your favorite part. The whole experience was fun, and you got to leave the mall with the new shoes on. Thanks, Nana!
Up until recently, I've been willing time to slow down. I look at old pictures and videos and can barely believe how fast these months have flown by. Now that you have a baby brother or sister on the way, I'm a little less sentimental about how quickly you're growing. After all, I can't have two babies, so I guess it's a good thing you're becoming such a smart, independent little boy.
You are 14 months old today and you're changing so quickly! You have three primary loves in this life:
1) Driving- We meet daddy out in the driveway every evening when he gets home from work. You love to sit in his lap and "drive" the car. You turn the wheel, press all the buttons, turn on the windshield wipers (which always make you wince and blink), and dance to the radio. Maybe you'll be a race car driver someday?
2) The Garden Hose- Of course, you love when we turn the hose on and you can shoot water all over the place, but you'll play with the hose even when it's turned off. Maybe you'll be a gardener or a pool boy someday? You'll sit out back and swing that thing around for hours. It delights you.
3) The Vacuum- This is not just a love, this is sheer obsession. Every morning when I pull you out of your crib, the first thing you want to do is go look at the vacuum. You just stand and stare at it. Sometimes you jiggle the attachments. Usually you whine for me to turn it on. My floors have never been cleaner. We'll be in the middle of reading a book or playing with your toys and you'll stop and point towards the laundry room and go "Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!" until I pull the vacuum out and we start it up. If the door to the laundry room is closed, you stand and knock on the door until I open it and give you access to that big, loud machine. When family and friends come over, you want them to vacuum with you. I've never seen anything like it. Maybe you'll be a custodian someday?
Today you spoke your very first word. Of course, you're babbling constantly (including ma-ma and da-da and ba-ba), but we haven't been able to say with confidence that you've actually attached meaning to those words. Until today. We were packing up to leave the house and I said, "Ben, let's go see Gramma!" You looked at me and said, "Yama!" You repeated it over and over and over again, even as we were walking up to her house and you were pointing at the door. Predictably, once Gramma opened the door and I gave her the good news, you refused to perform. My feelings aren't hurt. Really. You love your "Yama."
In the last month, you've gone from crawling to running! Nana came up to visit from Houston and decided she wanted to buy you your first pair of Stride Rite shoes. We ended up with these adorable little Ernie shoes:
Ernie's hair is your favorite part. The whole experience was fun, and you got to leave the mall with the new shoes on. Thanks, Nana!
Up until recently, I've been willing time to slow down. I look at old pictures and videos and can barely believe how fast these months have flown by. Now that you have a baby brother or sister on the way, I'm a little less sentimental about how quickly you're growing. After all, I can't have two babies, so I guess it's a good thing you're becoming such a smart, independent little boy.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Count Your Blessings.
There is a sweet little song on one of Ben's CDs that we often sing along to in the car.
Yes, we are surprised by what the Lord has done.
Blessing number one:
This blessing doesn't have a name yet, but we'll certainly count it! Blessing number two:
Please join us in praying for the healthy growth and development of Baby Number Two, due January 5, 2013!
"Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God has done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done."
Yes, we are surprised by what the Lord has done.
Blessing number one:
This blessing doesn't have a name yet, but we'll certainly count it! Blessing number two:
Please join us in praying for the healthy growth and development of Baby Number Two, due January 5, 2013!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Travels.
Last weekend, we made another quick trip to Houston to visit with the George family.
Amy has been one of my dearest friends since we were juniors in high school. Ours is the kind of friendship that never seems to change, no matter how much time we spend apart. I love her so dearly. We graduated high school together, were in each other's weddings, and now have three kids between the two of us- crazy! Amy and her family lives overseas, and since they were in town visiting we just had to make the drive to meet her new little one, Selah. What a sweet baby.
As a bonus, we got to spend a few days with family while we were there.
Ben having batting practice with cousin Megan.
Nana had some fizzy tub colors to turn Ben's bathwater bright colors. Nanas make everything special.
Ben and Papsy have a heart-to-heart about sleeping through the night. Papsy looks so serious, but then again, sleep is a serious matter!
Ben helped water Nana and Papsy's yard. He LOVES playing with a hose. This is one of my favorite pictures of all time. Please pause for a moment and take in that physique.
Playtime with cousin Lyla, who is getting SO big and has some really fun toys.
Lunch at Collin Street Bakery on the way home.
The time on the road is always the most challenging because Ben just doesn't sleep well in the car. Despite the fact that we swear every trip will be our last, we keep going back!
Amy has been one of my dearest friends since we were juniors in high school. Ours is the kind of friendship that never seems to change, no matter how much time we spend apart. I love her so dearly. We graduated high school together, were in each other's weddings, and now have three kids between the two of us- crazy! Amy and her family lives overseas, and since they were in town visiting we just had to make the drive to meet her new little one, Selah. What a sweet baby.
As a bonus, we got to spend a few days with family while we were there.
Ben having batting practice with cousin Megan.
Nana had some fizzy tub colors to turn Ben's bathwater bright colors. Nanas make everything special.
Ben and Papsy have a heart-to-heart about sleeping through the night. Papsy looks so serious, but then again, sleep is a serious matter!
Ben helped water Nana and Papsy's yard. He LOVES playing with a hose. This is one of my favorite pictures of all time. Please pause for a moment and take in that physique.
Playtime with cousin Lyla, who is getting SO big and has some really fun toys.
Lunch at Collin Street Bakery on the way home.
The time on the road is always the most challenging because Ben just doesn't sleep well in the car. Despite the fact that we swear every trip will be our last, we keep going back!
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