Like a Weed.

Ben is growing so quickly and I've been itching to transfer all of the measurements in his baby book onto a growth chart on the wall.

I put a lot of thought into what kind of chart we should do. I ultimately decided that I want one that isn't too "babyish/kiddish," (so it can grow with him), and one that we can use for any future children (so we can easily compare their heights at different ages, etc), which means it needs to be gender-neutral and not too personalized. I decided on one of the giant, vintage ruler growth-charts I've seen online and I whipped it up over the weekend. I love the way it turned out!




I bought a 1x8x6 at Lowes (I believe it was about $7) and went to work. I'd seen some cute charts online that were darker, but I wanted mine to be light so the measurements would be easy to read, so I stained it with two coats of Minwax in "Natural" and then did a little "aging" on the edges with some "English Chestnut." The Chestnut really gave it some good dimension and made it looks a little more "vintage."



Some of the tutorials I've read said to seal it with polyurethane, but I decided not to seal ours. I want it to be easy to write on with pen, so I stopped after two coats of stain.

After the stain dried, I commandeered Tim's carpenter's square (hello, memories of 7th grade woodshop!) and marked off every inch on the board with in pencil and then sharpie. The carpenter's square helped me get the lines nice and straight.



I used "century schoolbook" font (size 250) as a template for the numbers, and finished those in sharpie, too. I started the chart at 6" and it goes up to 6'6". Tim thinks it is a little tall, but we have some tall genes in our family, and yes, I will measure Ben until he stops growing. :)

Finally, I transferred Ben's measurements out of his baby book onto the chart. It is so amazing to see the actual growth he's done in just a little over a year.



I hung the chart in the hall just outside of Ben's bedroom and thanked the Lord for our healthy, growing boy.

Truth.

"God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts."

- Nancy Leigh DeMoss

30!

In the midst of some tough stuff, we've had some fun things going on, too. Tim turned THIRTY last month, and we had lots of friends and family help us celebrate.

The weekend before Tim's birthday, we celebrated with our small group by eating out at BJ's and playing putt-putt afterwards.


At dinner we listed thirty things we love about Tim. It didn't take long, but Matt helped us keep track as we went. Among the more notable attributes:

- lyrical flavor
- Garage engineering prowess
- Watches girl movies
- Sincere
- Cool without trying
- Always finds the best in people
- Sweet dimples

The Adams beat the pants off of us during putt-putt, but we had a great time. Thanks so much for celebrating with us, friends! (McKibbens, we missed you!)



On Tim's actual birthday, our dear friends Kim and Justin brought dinner and we had a casual celebration at home. We snapped this picture out front before they left that evening. Ava and Harper were already loaded into the car, and I can't for the life of me remember why my child doesn't have any clothes on. Ah, the chaotic blur of life with small children.



For Tim's big gift, several of us went in together on a three-day hiking adventure through Glacier National Park. Those of you who know Tim understand why this was the ultimate gift- Tim is a true outdoorsman/adventurer at heart. Tim's best buddy, Justin, flew up to Montana to do the hike with him, which was the icing on the (birthday) cake.

Half of the fun for these guys was anticipating and planning the trip in the months leading up to it. They researched and bought new hiking boots and pants and scrutinized each item they would have to carry along in their packs. "Rinseless shampoo" came up just once, and was quickly stricken from the list.

Before the official hike began, Tim and Justin loaded up in my Grandpa's old pickup and drove to the Prince of Whales Hotel in Canada. That lookout over Waterton Lake is one of my favorite spots in the world.





After Prince of Whales, the guys drove the going-to-the-sun road through the heart of Glacier. The road stretches fifty miles between the east and west entrances of the park, and offers breathtakingly picturesque vistas. On the other side of the park, they rented a boat and paddled around Lake McDonald.





The guys camped out on their own that night, and the official, guided three-day hike began the following morning. We booked this excursion through Glacier Guides, and they were wonderful hosts to Tim and Justin. We highly recommend checking out their site if you're itching for an adventure of your own.









Although I would have loved to have joined Tim on this adventure, I honestly felt very little jealousy or resentment about being left behind. Until I saw this:



Y'all, I love moose. I can't explain my obsession. Of course, I've heard all the rumors about them being tough and dangerous, but I just don't believe it. I find them so adorable and awkward. It's the combination of their big noses, all that weight balanced on those skinny little legs (the front ones are longer than the back ones) and their funky antlers. (Little known fact: I have a collection of children's books about moose. I highly recommend "Antlers Forever." Cutest moose story you'll ever read.)

Tim went on and on about how amazing that moose spotting was, which just rubbed salt in my wound.

Before the guys headed into the park, I begged them to take people pictures and not just landscape pictures. They didn't disappoint. Still, because I left the camera in the hands of men boys, I got a few pictures like this:





Despite their shenanigans, I ended up with hundreds of frame-worthy shots. Tim had an incredible time, and I'm so thankful Justin was able to join him for the mountain adventure. This gift will be difficult (if not impossible) to top!





Here's to the next thirty years, baby... wild adventures, and all!

Clear Promises.

Sweet Baby,

One month has passed, but whenever there is a lull in conversation or your brother is still, my thoughts default to you. I wonder if others can somehow read it on my face. As small as you were, you have become the elephant in my room. The stinging disbelief has turned to reluctant acceptance, and while I would never wish you away from the presence of Jesus, I find it impossible not to wish you were still safely growing under that little bulge in my belly.

All of the thinking and wondering has left me with very few answers, but I can't seem to help it. The answers may never come, but the wondering is a steady drip. Did I somehow cause this? Why did God allow it? What does the future hold for our family?

In Bible Study last year, there was one particular phrase our teacher, Lori, repeated over and over. We studied the apostles establishing the new church in Acts. Without knowing what was ahead of them, the apostles obediently pressed on, moving into foreign cities and facing harsh opposition.

"You see, ladies, the details are fuzzy, but the promise is clear! The details are fuzzy, but the promise is clear. The details are fuzzy, but the promise is clear."

Lori spoke these words like a drum beat each week, and each week I wrote them into my notes as if it was the first time I'd heard them. Now they echo back each time I wonder "why?" The details are fuzzy, but the promise is clear.

The hard truth is that life is full of tragedies large and small. We are often left with more questions than answers. Though the answers may always elude us, those who follow Jesus can build their futures on firm promises. We are not left without hope.

God is close to us when we are brokenhearted, and He binds up our wounds. (Psalm 34:18).

God takes all the hard stuff we face and makes good things come of it (Romans 8:28).

God's plans are for our good, not our harm, and our future is full of hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

God will comfort us and allow us to comfort others when they experience similar heartache (2 Corinthians 1:4).

And on, and on, and on, these promises go.

I'm so thankful for these clear promises in the midst of fuzzy details. When the questions seem overwhelming, the answers from God's Word steady me. When the future seems scary, God's Word restores hope. God is using you to strengthen our faith, little one, and He's keeping His promises.

Love and hugs,

Mommy

10,000 Reasons

The morning we went to the hospital, I stalled. Even though I didn't know for sure that we'd lost the baby, I somehow knew. Maybe it was mother's intuition, or maybe it was just my worst fear.

I wasn't technically sure, so I didn't let on. Tim had already made plans to go running with a friend that morning, and I encouraged him to go. I told him we could go to the hospital "just to get checked out" after he came home.

I took my time showering and getting dressed and I packed Ben's bag slowly. I was biding my time, hanging on to my "maybe" as long as possible. When Tim got home, I had him take a picture of my little tiny baby bump- the first and only "bump picture" I would get to take. I sent a text to a few family members and close friends, telling them I had been bleeding a little and asking them to pray, and we left.

I honestly can't remember what Tim and I talked about on the way to the hospital, if we talked at all. We were both pretty nervous as the reality of where we were heading set in. I think Tim asked me if I felt afraid, and I said, "Yes." He prayed for us, and for the baby.

As we stopped at the light in front of the hospital, this familiar song came on the radio:



As soon as I heard the first few notes, my heart sunk. "No. No. No...." If I hadn't known before, I just knew then.

The first verse says:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

The chorus goes on:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

I sat and stared at the hospital and I knew what God was asking me. I so clearly felt Him say, "Will you bless me in this? Will you worship my holy name, whatever happens? Will you still praise me this evening, even if your heart is filled with grief?"

This question has lingered for the last week and a half. Each time my eyes fill with tears, that gentle voice asks, "Will you praise me in this?" And through my tears, I've had to answer "yes."

Yes, I will praise You, even though my heart is broken. Yes, I will praise You, even though our plans have changed. I will praise You when I don't understand. I will praise you in moments of peace and in moments of grief. I will praise You as I pull the sympathy cards out of the mailbox, as I cancel our sonogram appointment, as I watch my friends' sweet bellies grow, and as I put The Baby Name Book away.

I will trust Your word. I will believe the promises that Your plans are not to harm us, and that Your ways are higher than ours. For 10,000 reasons, I will praise You.

Marking Time.

Sweet Baby,

I am marking time with you- the hours, the days, the weeks. It won't always be this way, I suppose, but for now... Sixteen days since we watched you on that fuzzy sonogram machine. I wish we'd stared longer. Eight days since the terrible, horrible news. 5 o'clock tonight marked one week since our heartbreaking goodbye.

After a long, tough week at home, your Daddy knew I needed a break. He rented us a farmhouse north of Austin for the weekend and our little family hit the road. The trip was just what we needed: quiet and reflective, but a nice change of scenery.

We hunted for sticks, watched animals, fed ducks, and played along the San Gabriel River. Your brother loved having extra space to run. I had lots of time to read. We ventured out of the house to conquer some new playgrounds, drive through historic neighborhoods, explore quaint little Georgetown, and enjoy live patriotic music in the downtown square. Ben had his first taste of lemonade and sweet tea and loved them both. We tasted prize-winning english toffee at Sweet Serendipity, and had a few delicious meals (wonderful, organic dinner at Monument Cafe, and yummy breakfast and BBQ at Duke's). We met several sweet strangers who could have been angels, for all I know. Everyone we crossed paths with was so gracious to us.























We had a good time, but you were never far from my mind. Daddy and I had some good conversations, and I spent a lot of time talking to God about you. I know that He will heal our hearts in time, and in that respect I am thankful for each day that passes. Still, each sunset feels like it moves you further and further away from us, and I choke on the sadness.

Daddy bought me a pretty garnet necklace (your birthstone), and your sweet Uncle Joel and Aunt Lori sent me a beautiful charm engraved with your due date. What incredible thoughtfulness. I never had the privilege of holding you in my arms, but I am determined to hold you in my mind and in my heart. I am thankful for these visual reminders of you.

A dear friend of mine lost her son just a week before we lost you, and she succinctly expressed exactly how I'm feeling these days. "We must move forward with our lives…I just want to bring you with us."